Whoa, it's been a long time since I posted. Holy shit. lots to tell.
The really short story is that I'm a idiot
The short story is that I'm a happy idiot.
The story is: I broke up with new boi to go back to the gold-fished memory dude.Goldfish was verbally abusive/mentally corrupting/ checking my phone records/ getting back at me? and it took me approximately four weeks to figure all this, and the fact that I was IN LOVE with new boi out. All the while, new boi was patiently boding, misery-sifting his way through life, due in part to me. For that, I am sorry.
SO.
Me being a mean girl kinda takes a whole new sort of relevance in this position, doesn't it?
Shall I, with all that said, take a moment to describe what all it took for me. ( one girl from one hometown, with one huge superiority/feministic take on the world ) to fall in complete and utter love with ONE boi?
I shall.
Lets go back and start with this: all the bad shit that I put up with/created with Goldfish. Everything. Literally all five years of our relationship was one HUGE compromise on my part. It was, I suppose, all I ever wanted for him to like me. ( could have stemmed from my atrocious father/daughter relationship in high school, we'll never know) But for that reason, I got into everything that he was into. Hunting, fishing, gathering a plethora of social copycats worth mooching off of in certain aristocratic circumstances.. etc.etc. And I never demanded that he get into the sort of stuff that I was into. ( this I can deem, with confidence, is anything that the social layman might categorize as "weird" anything from brute force Japanime to knitting bags out of recycled walmart sacks) This compromise made me put certain aspects of my personal self on hold and forced me to create a new person of compatibility. Little did I know that this was just as much my doing as it was his...
So, as the years passed on, I quit doing all of his homework in college, and began to seed a resentment for him making me into a different person altogether. When, in all reality, I was the bigger factor in the relationship. But, at that point, things were too far gone in the way of me looking for other potential mates to reconcile things, and the relationship began a slow downward spiral of betrayal and regret, hate and animosity to the point of a irreconcilable disconnect between either of our wants and needs. I broke up with him (the first time) because he was always gone and never made good on his promises when he was near me.
After going back to him, I soon realized that I was NOT in love with Goldfish, and hadn't been for quite some time, but was superfluously living in the past of my life. He made the decision for me, to quit him ( once more ) very easy by getting rather violent and aggressive. New boi then was there with grace and amazingness, and only a great demeanor on which to lean. Never in my life have I been so set at peace as I was that night.
That fateful night:
I had been ( forcibly! ) made to drive away from the downtown area from which my roommate was drunk and needing a ride to cater to drunk Goldfish. Once I returned from dropping drunk Goldfish off at his abode of choice I luckily found my roommate walking alongside the side of the road, intending to make it all the way to the other side of downtown, where her boy was expecting her ( she wouldn't have made it ) I picked her up and we made our way to his bar.
There, oh there was new boi. Quietly surveying my mood and the situation. Never pushing or expecting, only looking to improve my sadness in any way possible.
It was that night that he displayed the qualities of the man with which I could and would stick. He earnestly had my selfish and unreasonable life on a pedestal despite all that I had put him through. It was this kind of dedication and love that the feministic slice of my life had been yearning for.Someone who could love that slice for all that it was worth, all it could produce and what it had been created from. Someone who would like me through the shit that I would inevitably force him into. I had filed the thought that I was in love with him until that night in the "something that could happen" folder, given certain circumstances. It had potential... there was definite love in my heart. But it wasn't until that night that my heart gave my mind the green light to fall beyond all circumstance. He told me, at one point, after my adamant refusal to stay and converse through the sunrise and into the following Starbucks americano that would inevitably ensue that,
" THIS, between you and me, is not over... "
And lemme tell you something folks.
If you have EVER in your head or heart or genitalia felt a sense of romanticism....
1. Multiply it by ten.
2. Then divide it by one-eighth.
2 1/2. (Please tell me you got that. Do the math. please, it is important).
3. Then, Define: Pervade : to become spread throughout all parts of
4. Then, ask me how I didn't take him to bed and make his baby right then and there. Because that, even with the little story I have let you be witness to, is some serious stuff. The stuff of movies. The stuff that gets a full five minutes of EDITED reel of Hollywood film. That is the stuff that girls swoon to during the day, and masturbate to at night. That stuff made me (albeit cliche -ly) weak in my knees for the first time in my 24 short years of existence. I was moved beyond all scientific and emotional reason. Rendered effectively a Helen Keller for a full 30 seconds, not for want of choosing one of ten things to say ( as I usually am when rendered speechless ), but rather having lost the ability to think at all.
Chew on that.
We started with something bad. Lets end this with something good.
My chiropractor ( spare me ) has been seeing me every week since September, and thus has seen me through most of the ups and downs of the hellhole I've been alternately jumping down into and digging myself out of for the last six months. I 'd say he's a relatively objective statute of my demeanor. He told me lately that while my attitude and personality were regularly positive, there was something here now that was just off the charts. Was there something different in my life?And, with a large SHIT-EATING grin on my face I said...
UM... yeah Dr. G.
Kitty out.
