Jack of All Trades

Jack of All Trades is the description that I usually reserve for myself, seeing as I really hold no innate talent other than my genetic athleticism. However, I now think that unless you literally do something new and different each day, there is no way you can be a "jack of all trades." The reason is this: you do something, SOME THING a majority of the time. You have to...by default. Even if that thing was sleep, all your friends, and most certainly your parents would consider you, loosely, an expert on comforters, black-out curtains and mattresses.

For example, if I wanted a better grasp on the high-school psyche of insane electronics trends or disrespectful lingo, I would ask my friend, Mooley, who is a high school teacher. She sees them every day, she hears them talk. She confiscates phones, gaming systems, and PDAs until the end of class. She hears most of the snide remarks they make under their breath. She walks down the hallway with them, is capable of character analysis, and can most likely pin a student's personality just by what they're wearing. ( not that that's all there is to a high schooler ) She's been around it, has an "eye" for it. Yada, yadaa.

To continue, if I wanted to know which glue could fasten a brass plate to a corrugated sheet of paper, I'd call my Mam. She spends about 70 hours bi-weekly scrapbooking. She freaking STOPS TIME to scrapbook. I know, hard to accept that it is my mother who is in control of all time and space. But it's the TRUTH. She doodles, and sprays, and glues, and heats, and dabs, and stamps, and cuts, and well she can fashion anything you want out of anything you have, lets put it that way. If she weren't 1000 miles away, I would ask for her aesthetic opinion on my more ambitious art projects more often. She is my ultimate authority of all things tangible and 2 dimensional. End of story.

Now, even though my mother and Mooley do other things throughout their day, and because they have other interests, like boyfriends and husbands to tend to, and rent and bills to pay, they default a lot of their day to OTHER PEOPLE. Because they just don't have the knowledge to make the perfect decision. They consult other people who do their "thing" a majority of the time, because those people are the "authority" on that THING. My Mam has a Mary Kay lady that keeps her face shiz in line. Mooley calls her mother (who raised like, 7 kids at once on a limited budget) for anything around the house.
SO!
IF, THEN
A car salesman were to walk into Macy's in Times square and proceed to confiscate some poor fashionista's clientele appointment. He would be not only be out of line, but also the "less high authority." He is out of his element. He doesn't pour over Vogue magazine daily, or go to catwalk shows, he sells cars. HIS authority would probably be somewhere in the realm of profit margin and commission boosts.

SO when you are in the presence of someone who HAS AUTHORITY on the topic at hand, let them have the fucking table. LET THEM HAVE IT. It is theirs. They didn't spend countless hours doing whatever it is that they were doing just to learn NOTHING, and have no recollection of past times, right or wrong. They KNOW what they're talking about.

Going from vague to specific. If you wanna talk biology, being a feminist, or certainly fitness or chemistry, be prepared to hand me the fucking table. IT IS MINE. I haven't been reading Shape and Fitness, Runner's World and Women's Health for somewhere around a decade to improve my goddamn eyesight. I LEARN. Lord knows I didn't piddle around in various gyms for an average of 30 hours a week since I was 13 for the DATING POSSIBILITIES. (meatheads are pathetic conversationalists) I absorbed shit while I was there.

So quit with the ruse, everyone, and hand the table without dispute to whomever it is in your presence who has the authority.

KITTY OUT

the one where I think I'm all funny and stuff, but really I just typo the bejeesus out of some thoughs of mine

You know what words are fun? the funny ones. Yeah, great job on that one, I know. But really,

hornswoggle: terrible thing, lying, cheating someone. the word, as it rolls off the tongue is funny. woggle within a word is a winner, it stands alone

bo-peep: not really a word I guess, but rather a character name from one Pixar's most famous movies. No I will not tell you. great because it has little pops and soft bumps throughout it. Not unlike infant language attempts, which are cute and funny.

shat: gross, I know. And totally non-sequitur, but funny, cause it's past tense slang. Slang is funny because, well, it's SLANG it was created out of necessity in the midst of fun. (N/M I shouldn't have defended that, if you're arguing against me in your head whether or not slang as a whole is funny, you're an idiot, and you should leave, because there is nothing here for you) Taking it one step further and PAST-TENSERIZING IT is like going one dream-level deeper into the fun. And, shat has the added bonus of harboring a common sounding word, "at" within it, doesn't mean much, just an observation.

cankles: here is an instance where it is not the word itself that is funny, but the image the word evokes within your mind. charadeslookslike...knees calves feet, in that order, all the way down. It's unfortunate, yes, but all part of the fun. I mean where would the Olympic sport of people-watching be if not for cankled women attempting high heels. HEYOO. cankles are FUNNY...if YOU are not the one lugging them around. (HAHA I just felt karma's missile system target-lock on my head) I have a feeling that I would not find them as funny if they were the crux of my own personal complex.

rooter (something that routs): charadessoundslikerooster. Is NOT rooster, cause those things are smelly and annoying. Is not Rooter, like a FOOTBALL FAN, cause those things are also smelly and annoying. Rooter, base word, rout. cause things that "rout" are funny. Like dirt dogs goin all catnip status at a hole in the ground. Like small hamsters flinging cedar chips into the sidewall of their cage trying to get as deep as possible to sleep. The word, it's inevitable mispronunciations AND to actually rout are all three funny. soo. total winner there in my book

Ha. good times with words.
I didn't even feel like saying anything of importance tonight.
Kitty out