frustration

Of all of the things

I think and I am;

All of the things that

I knew to be true.

Why is it that here,

Now, in the present,

That mistakes and faults

Seem to accrue?

Struggle, struggle, try

But my minds not there.

Grasping and flailing

But finding thin air.

My work and my life

Seem to melt and rest.

Why did I settle?

Why can’t I stop?

Science can’t fail me

Yet how has it not?

I’ve fought the hard battle

Worked through all the thoughts.

I was born to sift

And conclude the facts.

But I’m never the one,

anyone, to this test.

Cause I’m sick and frail

Deep inside my mind.

I’ve pushed off alone,

Left others behind.

Fought hard with my heart.

But it never wins;

It leaves me whining

With a look of chagrin.

This is not a feat

It is no Everest.

But the climb, for me…

Just short of epic.

Each day a step, just

a step up the mount.
This test, that day,

this time, will count.

ya know what?

I'm a mean girl
That's really all there is to it.
I was gonna blame the environment. Like my homelife. And my nazi-ass father's drinking problem.And that I was fat in Junior High. And the droves of guys who took just enough of my feelings to be able to hurt me... hurt me...then gave them back. (read: I am now a tough-ass and you hafta have balls of steel to court me)

But that's the easy way out. Deflect, (you feel me, PANTZ) and you don't have to analyze yourself.

Instead going to blame my genetics.
and my analysis has come to this conclusion,
I am genetically designed to get all pissed off and fight.

Here's how:

I have low blood pressure by nature, which allows for a considerable rise in said pressure without any ill effects.
I'm naturally very muscled, which would come in handy if the sitch came to fisticuffs.
My brain is huge, allowing me to procure biting comebacks with ease.
I yell the. absolute. loudest. ever. ( anyone who knows me knows this is true beyond a shadow of a doubt)
My eyes are already naturally squinty, making the "I hate you" look even more easy to throw out there.
My scientific nature makes me a quick deducer of the situation, which enables me to jump to conclusions EVEN faster.
My attitude typically rests on "happyohiforgot" meaning that I think only about the things that make me happy, and then only for a few minutes before my ADD scoots me along. This makes it seem like I hold the grudge from hell. I have found it drives people bonkers.
My hip flexors are a sight to behold. ( read: all the better with which to kick your nutz , dear)

So, then, it would be in my very nature to get all pissed off and fight. Which is probably why I get my feathers ruffled about something at least once a week.
But to be totally honest, I don't really like fighting. It makes me all sweaty and nervous in the pants.

 **HOWEVER COMMA if your name rhymes with Yeast, rest assured that you're already at the top of my ass-beating docket. Your reign of idiocy is up.**

the one where I get all Boondock Saints with my blog and take down evil for the greater good.

A friend, lets call her Ell, thought it might be nice to invite a couple of her friends over last Saturday for lunch. WELL, lunch and scrabble. Chili and freindly competition. Words and food. It sounded like fun, cause, I mean, who likes to play scrabble a. besides a few of us and b. with anymore than.. oh 4 people? No one, because it draws on like Monopoly, next thing you know, it's nine o'clock, everyone forgot the fuckin gym that day, and dinner is still frozen in the deep freeze.

Guest list was as follows:

Ell ( hostess ) just one of her many outfits

Boobookittyfuck ( me ) ready for scrabble

Missfuzzypantz ( rudedog )

fuzzypantz

To preface: Simple story, LARGE MORAL LESSON

11:20 ish

    Pantz text me and asked me when I would be going over to Ells. Since I was on my way back from a grueling saturday morning at the gym, and had to stop and pick up ranch mix (for the taco chili). I stated, rather assuredly, that I would be at Ell's house after a half bath, and a change. That, ladies and gentlemen takes me all of 15 minutes. It takes me longer to drive to Ell's house than to half bath. So Pantz jokingly stated that she'd better start the process of peeling herself out of the bedlinens  getting ready. I jokingly stated that that would be wise.

hahaha

12:15 I arrive, dressed, washed and happy, ranch mix in hand at the front doorstep of Ell's house.

12:25 Pantz texts Ell that she's out n about, has to run oooone little errand ( I quote ) and then she'd be over.

12:26 Ell and I begin our game of scrabble. (because we know better)

12:27 I win the draw off, and my first inaugural word is BONER.

12:28-13:20 Ell and I eat chili, refer to the scrabble bible for verbal guidance and poo poo our last week at work

13:24 Ell kicks my ass. wins. We hold a ceremony for her, she gets a cookie and trophy.

13:25 I thank Ell, give her a squeeze, and I leave to meet new boi at the theater to watch a flick

14:00

15:00

16:00

**

17:00

** I believe.. somewhere in this space-time region is when Pantz decided she ought to text Ell to politely let her know she might not be making an appearance.

How is that NOT rude dog?!?!!!!11?!

[as a side story, my mother so reverently described anyone who cut in line at the bank, took her parking spot, raised their voice to my grandmother, as a rude dog. It was also reserved for me during my especially troublesome and bitchy teenage years as I repeatedly disrespected her. I guess dogs don't know any better, and they're around more often than other animals, so they tend to get in the way...or are more rude to humans then the rest of the animal world?]

OK, OK OK.... you're saying to yourself.. "Why on earth is pantz being thrown to the wolves here? She simply forgot the time.."

To compel this large moral lesson even further, a couple of aside facts,

Fact one:   Ell waited BY HERSELF IN A RESTAURANT for ONE WHOLE HOUR on Pantz ( and + 1 who happens to be another late-o-holic). 60 minutes. for Pantz!!

Who waits for even their MOTHER for an hour?! I'd be like, fack this mom! Where are you?

Kicker to fact one: Pantz text saying she'll be right there cause she was checking out at the MALL.

So, recapping fact one..... Pantz and (+1) made Ell wait for them (at their pre-designated mutually decided  time and place) to do their personal mall shopping. That is rude dog.

Fact two: It is one thing to text that you'll be there in 20 minutes, it is a whole other ball game to text you'll be there in 20 minutes FULLY KNOWING IT IS A FALSEHOOD.

Kicker to fact two: She tweeted in the midst of not informing Ell she wasn't comin over at all. That she was drunk...drinking...yadayadayada. So she can TWEET, but can't throw a text Ell's way? Hmmmph. High and mighty much, Pantz?

So, recapping fact two. She lied? white lie, little lie, rude lie, bald-faced lie, small falsehood. WHATEVS, saying she'd be there shortly wasn't the truth and she knew it IS THE SIMPLE FACT OF THE MATTER.

Well, that little hour-by-hour scrabble ramble paired with those two other facts tie up the present-o-rudensss quite nicely, don't you think?    

 I just HAAAAAAD to. I'm not the type of person to  get all up in bidniss of others n sprout funny stories about it objectively build a rather compelling case against someone based solely on their actions via an outsiders point of view, but I couldn't pass this one up. especially after I passed on this twitgem:

 ALERT

missfuzzypantz   Bad news: someone tried to break into my mom's house. Good news: perks of living in *#*#  is quick po-po repsonse time & they caught the jerk

about 3 hours ago from Tweed
missfuzziepantz  @missfuzzypants @A#od#eSon let's hear it for the nosy neighbor!! [...]34 minutes ago from web

This is what I WANTED TO TWEET:

Boobookittyfuck  @missfuzzypants Thank god that nosy neighbor didn't call you.... A five hour response time and then merely a text wouldn't have caught anything

But, this is what I ACTUALLY tweeted:

Boobookittyfuck         [ nothing ]

( because I'm a non-confrontational pussy ) (wellll.. I'm actually more of a passive aggressive va-jay-jay)

Now, I haven't been friends with Ell long. Matter of fact I haven't been friends with Ell half as long Pantz has. So Pantz and Ell are tight. But to tell you the honest truth. I can't tell why after this long Ell still puts up with it. I have only been witness to the rude-late-o-riffic-ness twice, once in the summer with a boat, and then this time, for scrabble. And the last 200 lines are witness to the fact that I will not put up with that kind of shiz. NOR will I tolerate anyone being rude to my chosen friends, if I can have any kind of say about it.  


Soo I guess what I'm saying here is don't be intentionally rude to anyone, especially and most importantly the people who have been there for you; (and certainly don't try to explain yourself away after the fact) unless you want someone, somewhere to write a perfidiously objective blog post about you.

non-ergo, to make a nice little sopapilla of happiness out of this post, I saw the COOLEST surgery on Monday. pass the honey, please :D

Kitty OUT.

EFF

AND FAILED! F

Quiz Created By Auto Insurance.org

This is to be accepted, I'm ok with it. But I'm sure there are a couple of people that I know and/or read my blog that will be totally taken aback as to how someone with my caliber of intelligence can fail so miserably at a subject that I am exposed to every day.

alphabet catch up

Allo.

I realized that I yearned to get down n dirty with all the details on the cluster that is my life right now.

Immediately afterwards, I realized that I'm too tired for that shiz.

So here's what the fuck is up now.

A. my car still refuses, adamantly, to reverse

B. I HAVE A HEEL SPUR

C. mai birth control has made me gain weight (Kitty's working on words for the unjust-ness that is THAT, rest assured)

D. i need my hair colored, stat, pronto,  ewwy grey bangs are sic (unless you're into that whole "old" thing...)

E. mai favorite watch was broken, got fixed, (shanks, New boy) and has now broken again (boo for a bare wrist)

F. i got new headphones for christmas; this = happy kitteh

G. i miss stuff hard

H. i have zero resolutions for twenty-ten

I. mai toenails ABHOR me, because i do not pay them enough attention

J. our patio has a garbage stain that leads one to belive that we bludgeoned the stray cat that was shredding our trash last month

K. for the record, the cat is not dead

L. i love coffee                   ..                 ..           ....    (um..always and forever)

M. mai roomie and i plan on having an affair with the gym starting Jan 1. (an affair DNE a resolution, btw)

N. mai family is the total and absolute shiz. mai parents/brothers/extended family are rather HIP, from what i can deduct

O. i would give New boy his own bullet, but he reads this.... so i can't gloat on him w/o having to deflate his head later in the day (total J/K, he's humble as pie)

P.what i can give New boy is TWO whole bullets, because he's so dang sweet. ooo, I hope you smile a little, ninja.

Q. my bed has written me a love letter asking me to come back

R. i left my dang camera cord in missouri, whoot for 9.99 usb cords

S. i spent an evening with my 86 year old papa and his 86 year old new bride two days ago. sharp as tacks

T. i have been thinking HARD on my med school secondary applications

U. i am eagerly awaiting a coworkers head-zit, it's premature as of late

V. the past is the past, and there is no sense in being an ass about it

W. i got new running shoes

X. Mess with me, and I will do the total opposite of kiss you pink and softly fluff your soul with pillows
Y? Cause,

Z.  I am a rock, I am an island.

Oh, that's inappropriate.

OH hai. How was your Christmas? Was it inappropriate? Did you find yourself censuring your every topic of conversation whilst spending those limited hours away from the house and in public?

 Cue snapshot, Rolla Walmart 12:12 AM.

Catch the shocker in the background? Yeah, mom was too busy talking to notice we were snapping a photog.

Chatter..talktalk..blahblah..ohwait..no..that's..I'll get that tomorrow...forthe..blahblah...sandra...oh your aunt would love this...yadayadayada..chatter...where's the....with....remember...I had that thing.....the rolls.....rolls are near the cheese.....talktalktalktalk...Nick's got those at home....Sarah, come here and lookatthis,we had this last yeardidyoulikeitornot...nevermind....stay there.....hey,callconnorandtellhimtoruntotheothersideofwalmarttoget......um...the..wait, no....nevermind, it's right here....yada. yada. yada.   Literally. LIT UR ALLY. Literally.

   There was a running commentary on every thought in her mind that both did and did not pertain to the three of us that were acting as her GOPHERS for the night. Chris (stage left here) would pry his attention away from looking up raunchy jokes (WITH which to entertain us) on his iPhone long enough to glace in my direction to ask if she was talking at any of us in particular. (TO which the answer was always no)

But her running commentary wasn't the funniest thing about the midnight walmart adventure, na, Beezie, (stage right) kept another running commentary PARALLEL to my mother's. It consisted mainly of "that's what she said" 's, snarky asides pertaining to her inablility to finish thoughts, and completeing her sentences himself with what could only be considered mad libs. All for my listening enjoyment, folks.

And, OH the bowling alley. This actually occured before the trip to Wally World, but is second because it's comedic grade pales in comparison. the only thing that was really funny about this little event was the ball dance my OTHER brother, Billy (for BillyBadAss) felt inclined to do every time that house ball traveled down the lane. First of all, can we all apreciate what he's squeezed his nuts into? Yep, those are honest to goodness nut-huggers. They adore nuts, love em, stick closer to them than saran-wrap. Above that ball-debacle, he proudly displays a large belt buckle holding together a CINCH belt complete with metal studs, only lacking his name in burnt calligraphy...etc, etc. So when this skinny bitch wiggles his appendages and shouts obscentities downwind at the bowling alley, he tends to draw a lot of attention.

K then this also is bit more mild. My poor jack russel is getting a bit old. We used to hold him in this position when he was younger, and it was funny, because he was just a wee bit uncomfortable. Now COMMA it's just gross. His body has successfully aquired a FAPHA (Pronounced FAP-HA) ((Fat Around Penis Hole Area)) So his penis has essentially become an afterthought to his anatomy. Poor dog, as if imasculation after birth wasn't enough...

And then, because we can't take a family sibling pic without snapping a shot we can't show our grandparents, I leave you with this:

Bless your family, but mine is better :)

Kitty OUT.

Mi hermano, y cheer de xmas

Assorted holiday sayings via my brother and his talented single serving friends:

Get hay, get christmas, get nugs.
Spread Holiday Nugs, make girls dreams come true, real. One day at a time.
Peace, Love and Christmas nugs.
Merry Christmas and a happy holiday shmead.


You have a blessed ass-holiday. :)

Personal Essay Take 7, final

Hey, HO. I realize I'm going waaaay overboard on the December updates, but whatevs, I got shiz to say.

I realized, talking to New boy last night, that I hadn't updated this thingie on my status in the med school process. As a matter of fact, I realized, I hadn't even posted my final version of the personal statement I decided to go with. So here that is: 

Famous car capitalist Henry Ford once said, “Genius is seldom recognized for what it is; a great capacity for hard work.”  As a small overstatement, according to this I believe that I am the next Einstein. My background story is not one of pity or impossible tasks or anything that would make a good movie; but it is a good tale that might make you smile, and it is mine to tell, so tell it I will.

The best place to start would be junior year in high school in Rolla, Missouri. It is here in my life where a lot of things converged. For instance on any given Wednesday, I would open the pool at 5 AM for the assiduous lap swimmers, and guard them until I bolted for school at 8 where I soaked up the wisdom and knowledge until 3 PM. From there, I swung by my house to grab my cleats, a twenty dollar bill, and a sandwich from my mother quickly so that I could make the 2 hour drive to practice in St. Louis by 5:30. After practice was over at 7:30, ten dollars went into the gas tank, and ten dollars worth of food went into my body for the trip home. This was my regime three times a week for two years. If you know any high schoolers, you will realize just what a feat of endurance this was. Let me tell you the reality of necessity behind my drive. I needed the job because my parents had just divorced and money was short. I needed the elite training because I traveled to soccer showcases that exposed me to collegiate athletic scholarships. Lastly, I needed high school, to quell my urge to learn, to study for the ACT, and well, because it is illegal not to attend public school five days a week. For me, no other option than to go to college on a scholarship of some kind was available. So I was extremely aware that I needed to capitalize on every possible opportunity that I could in high school. In hindsight, I realize just how rare my mentality was back then. None of my friends put as much effort into their prep for college as I did, and even today I find it hard to muster the endurance that I enjoyed then. 

Due to the drive that led to my good grades, athleticism, and admirable ACT score, I was recruited to play soccer at Newberry College in South Carolina. The challenges I faced during this stage in my life, gave me more emotional and mental strength. While in college my grandmother was diagnosed with ALS, but she absolutely insisted that I stay in class. At the time I had decided to double major in Biology and Chemistry. This decision was a difficult one, heavily affecting much of my free time. Between my rigorous Division II soccer schedule, my classes and lab schedule, my days were literally non-stop. But, through her unselfish actions, my grandma taught me to work despite my emotion. She hardened my resolve that I should pursue a career involving heavy thinking. She passed away one month before I graduated cum laude and received a rather prestigious award. The W.L. Laval award is presented to one male and one female senior student athletes per year. Its winners are acclaimed to be outstanding in athletics, scholarship, character, and leadership. The award served as a reminder of how much work it takes to shine in crowd. 

Which brings me to now; a rather uncertain period of my life that is failing to fulfill my strongest yet unusual desires. Most of my peers want that rewarding job which yields the top salary, fancy cars and other tangibles. I, on the other hand, possess an insatiable thirst for knowledge; despite my inability to regurgitate such intellect on the MCAT. Nonetheless, success in life for me is defined by the daily pursuance and acquisition of a higher level of acumen.

I am used to putting the effort into a task and reaping the benfits.. My perseverance is being challenged in the application process for medical school. I have not been accepted for a couple of years now, which has been getting mentally, emotionally and financially exhausting. My desire and determination to be accepted has brought me back time and time again. Since graduating college I have been putting in a forty hour work week as well as a full time MCAT study schedule and I maintain such a rigorous workout schedule that I was able to complete a marathon.  I have shadowed numerous doctors, specifically surgeons such as Dr. David Lee, of Columbia, SC in preparation for the day that I am accepted into medical school. I am not certain of the exact qualifications of the people accepted, but I do know that a demonstrable ability to handle a stifling workload is smiled upon. Let me reassure you that my drive and ability for consistently going the distance and beyond is unwavering.  I have already prepared myself for the hardships that every matriculate struggles with. The only thing I ask of you is to recognize my potential and allow me be your next genius, as Mr. Ford would say.

More on the process of application paperwork later, when I feel like it.

Life and Times of Clawed

Everyone say hello to Clawed. He's about 15 minutes old here, and I'm sure there is no place he'd rather be than back on his stump some 200 meters downhill in the field.

This post is more or less an update on the lovelyness that is Clawed. A small biography on the thing that is now our personal air freshener/ ornament holder.  I first wrote about Clawed here. That post was more about the boy than the tree, but it was his first appearance nonetheless. I digest; you may have noticed something rather odd about the name that we chose to bestow upon our Christmas tree (Well, more likely, you're wondering why we thought we had to name it in the first place. For this, I have no answer, it just seemed like a cute idea at the time) However, I do have an explanation for the spelling. That is my doing, and I'd like to take a paragraph to  brag about it.

The question of what we should name it was posed, and I, of course, offered up many a great name, but was ousted, as usual, by the bubbly dictatorship that is my roommate. From the second the four of us began pulling odd names from our memory banks, mine were doomed to fail. And so it seemed that only three people were in the running for the best name for our dear tree. New boy hit the ringer first with a name that Roomie liked, thus, Claude it was. Little did they know that "Claude" it actually wasn't. In my head I mentally booted up how exactly I was going to have a say in this ordeal, and I came up with an annoyingly correct misspelling. I figured that since I was the only one of us that was ever going to write anything about Clawed, and everyone else would be merely pronouncing it, I had regained the upper hand.  Paragraph END.

Clawed had a rather rough trip back home. In the rain.

And once he was on the porch, becoming UN-soaking wet, he was met with yet another hacksaw because we had neglected to have the forsight to fall in love with a SHORT tree. Poor thing.

So yeah. Clawed is happy in our living room. He stands cosily between the TV and the wall, with a small sliver of window to peek through during the day. He is fed daily by New boy who's taken a liking to.. well.. all of our well-beings.

Worst picture ever, best FIRST tree ever. Woo. Go Clawed.

RUUNNINN

 I want to run again. I haven’t run long in months.

I have a heel spur that is really preventing me from getting into the zone.  It used to be so easy, just to lace up shoes in the morning, and walk outdoors. My mind didn’t want to do it, but my body was craving the endorphins.

Now I have to be at work at 7, usually before the sun rises, and I don’t fancy getting up at 4 in the morning to get my workout in. Seeing as I have to drive to wherever it is that I’m going to run, because the major road that I live on is/was known famously for prostitution and drive-by shootings, I can’t manage the wake up, the drive, the run, the drive back, and the shower all before it’s time for me to leave at 6:38 in the morning.

But oh. Those runs. The runs where the sun is just coming up. Those runs where ice forms on the back of your ponytail. Those runs where your legs and lungs begin to believe you’re strolling through the park when, in reality, you’re cranking an 8 minute mile, on mile 9. Those runs where your ipod dies and you don’t give a fuck because you’re already at that mentality; the mentality where the slap of your feet sounds better than any song that could rustle through your shuffle. Those runs where all you see in front of you are the bobbing heads of others as they run. Those runs where you return to the club house to see nothing but smiling, happy, genuinely elated people. Those runs where your mind and body begin to operate on the exact same wavelength, each one working in harmony with the other with such concordance it's nearly unbelievable.  Those runs that are so long you begin mapping out the state in your mind to see which towns you could make it to in a single day. Hum… I could get to Newberry on foot in three hours. Hmmmm….halfway to Florence, SC in four hours, or all the way if I got two good days of running in. Those runs where you feel, literally, like you have not a care in world because you are RUUNNINN.

Oh, geez. Those runs. I want them back

Christmastree-nut-in-my-pants-have-a-great-time-fest cues feministic critical analysis

Ah, ok, what is today? Wednesday December the ninth. Got it. I don’t  feel  funny today, but I do feel like writing. It’s a shame that those two feelings don’t go hand in hand.

So, here’s the latest in MY life.

I cut down a Christmas tree yesterday, for the first time in my life. It was jaunty and wet and fun. Where was my biological father to be found when that sort of thing would have been the highlight of my friggin YEAR? Peaced out. Might have been drinking.

I digress. As it stands, it definitely was the highlight of my MONTH! I had a great time yesterday, and it was all a part of a bigger more  ob⋅se⋅qui⋅ous⋅ly active plan than I had anticipated. He, as in, new guy, planned this Christmastree-nut-in-my-pants-have-a-great-time-fest, all by himself.

Recently I kicked the BF, the one that had the memory of a goldfish, to the curb. For a while, nobody really cared, I milled around for a month with my thumb up my ass wondering if I was going to adorn the back of a holographic deck of Old Maid cards in the year 2020. But then, poof, just like that I got noticed? (end that sentence like a question, because it is one)

Because really I had been seeing this guy every time I went out to have a good time. *wink*That, my friends, was intentionally misleading.  Hahaha, I am tricky.

But no, really, for a whole year, I saw him because he brought me every drink I ever ordered.  Some smiles, some ah, oks.  But nothing that a BARTENDER wouldn’t normally do for a tip.

Cue poof.

 Now… we are in like. We’re in some serious like. We are bordering  obsequiousity. ( not a word. Leave me alone, it illustrates a great point.)  From his region, not mine. This would usually worry me very much. I dislike it when someone likes me more than I like them because I feel, then, that I owe them attention or I owe them some ‘like’ in return. But I really don’t have any real ‘like’ for them so I use my backup supply of fake ‘like’ and that makes me feel guilty about the situation.

Never. Ever. have I had a guy go out of his way like this. I don’t have to use any of my fake ‘like’ on him. I genuinely, really like him. I don’t know what to think, what to say, what to do. It just seems that all the things that used to coincidentally piss me off when penises are in the vicinity, don’t make me as ill anymore.

1. I’m usually very prejudice about any guy girl relationship. I can have all the events up to and including the means and mode of breakup figured out, weighted and statistically analyzed for likelihood, before the appetizers are ordered on the first date.

2. I typically feel like I need to prove myself. I suppose to appeal to their evolutionary subconscious that I would be the best mate and mother of their children should a zombie attack threaten to wipeout normal human beings. (Look at me boys, I can run for hours, I can solve complex efficiency problems under anxiety-ridden, sleep-deprived circumstances, and I can also cook you lasagna out of leftover trashcan Chinese) I’m a total nug. Fo shiz.

3. I also have this superiority complex.  There are about a billion tasks that we as humans perform over the course of a lifetime. Things such as driving, fitness, cooking, drinking from the sink, cleaning a toilet, using adjectives correctly, yada, yada, yada. Out of these billion things, I must be better at at least HALF, or the guy gets the boot.  Like I have to win. At fuckin tying shoes. I literally must be more efficient and quicker with a tighter, less misshapen bow on my gaddamn tennis shoe, or I am ill. And the guy gets the boot if he’s new or a stern stink eye if he’s a regular.

These are a few of the gems that my dysfunctional twatty mind has defended over the years, but lemme describe how this guy has single handedly broken all the rules… almost without me noticing

He circumvented number one by all of a sudden deciding to glue his sweetheart hat to his head the same week I vowed to live in the moment. Lucky him. I did this purely out of breakup spite.  He doesn’t know that he is the official guinea pig of me planning only into the next 24 hours. This preferred method of handling things is working well so far, but if I begin to think further ahead, I get sick to my stomach, and wheezy. ( like I was ever THAT kid in elementary gym class!? Psssht, I wasn't. Which is why it's baffling now that I get queasy on cue of certian thoughts. I'm tougher than that, I assure you.)

He acts nonchalant about the fact that he is about the same size as me. He never tries to pick me up, or act like I’m light as a feather, and he doesn’t try to out lift me. He just kinda watches me, and seems to be thinking.  Perhaps it s admiration, perhaps it s irritancy. But I’ll never know. Because when he catches me looking at him, the fun is on again. He doesn’t outright EXPRESS his dire NEEEEEED to feel manly in front of me. Which totally quenches my need to prove myself worthy. I think he doesn’t do that because in some areas, he would lose. I’m a pretty girl and I have a nice toned figure/shape, but I am sorta manly.  I’m a manly nug. Uh HUH.

Lastly, about this superiority complex; it’s really the straw on my camel’s back. This is where I become very difficult to deal with. Because I have to be better at EVEN the arguments that are a result of such trifling matters. For example, he feels my boot in his ass or my stern look at him for doing something better than me is unjustified; we argue; I must argue like the best defense lawyer in the history of time.  If he’s a good guy, he sticks it out or he dissolves the situation by handing me a glass of wine. (I.E. SEE HERE) But THIS guy, makes it seem like this problem doesn’t exist, like it’s he’s running on 1 Cuil ALL THE TIME. Anytime I get a whiff of a feeling of this 'betterness' he cracks his back six ways to Sunday, the loud pops completely distracting my building fury. ? He uses a word I don't know... I get a pang of attitude... then he's handed me a coffee mug and we're each chewing on our lip rings watching the rain.  ?
Do you see how that kind of NONSENSE....doesn't even... like....come together in a complete thought??

I don’t even notice that the problem was a problem and isn’t anymore, until I sit down here and analyze the sitch. Then I see it. Refer to #1 here. Trying to live in the moment, for my own feelings, and no one else’s, right now.

But let’s break this down just little bit more. What does it mean for all these general rules to be circumvented all at once? Does that mean that I’m losing sight of the things that my evolutionary dating eye has made me remember over the years to avoid heartbreak? Does it mean that I’m doing something that I know I shouldn’t? Or is it going the total other way; that this bartender has potential? The fact that none of the rule breaking is bothering me would seem to vouch for the latter, that this may just be the sweetest thing that ever happened to me. But I don’t know. Because I’ve got the Great Wall of China up between my real honest to goodness, honest Abe, honest to Blog, down and dirty, it puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose feelings... and the feelings I tell/show everyone else. There is a massive, massive difference between what I attempt to convince myself my true feelings are, and my actual true feelings. Ergo, even I don’t know what I think about this situation.

I think, though, that it would be very best just to sit back and watch it all happen from behind a smile.

OH. Wow. It’s been over a month since I posted. Why is it that the best laid plans….

NM, doesn’t matter.

Here’s what the fuck is up now.

A.      Breakups suck

B.      Being mean intentionally sucks even worse

C.      Money is the root of all evil

D.      The MCAT will fuck your mind body and soul up irrevocably

E.       My thoughts are worth WAAAY more than a penny

F.       Love is hardly definable, let alone attainable

G.     Surgeons are too intimidating to have a normal conversation with

H.      I need new running shoes

I.        My car has LOST its reverse gear and I’m told it will never find it…

J.        My birthday was last week and I was a very irresponsible little girl

K.      We need new kitchen chairs because ours are too low

L.       Both of my big toes have massive blood blisters on them

M.    My chiropractor just got back from Egypt and if he ever leaves again, I’ll kidnap him home

N.     We have a stray cat that keeps ripping up our trash

O.     Dating is hard

P.      College boys rocked whist in college. However (COMMA) it seems that now they suck horse nuts for a living.

Q.     I had a nail in my back right tire for 3 months and didn’t take care of it

R.      I was the first responder on a 3 car accident a week ago. HUGE adrenaline rush.

S.       I have two jobs. I needed two jobs.

T.       Sugardaddys can apply, right here

U.     I plan on buying a pair of high heels from Wally World, tonight.

V.      We have been out of milk for 3 days.

W.    Life is a clusterfuck of crossroads

X.      I found some GREAT curl product last week, smear it is. Enjoy

Y.       I can’t get enough of Dane, Bob, Joe, and Ron.  They are my main-men.

Z.       I miss stuff. Hard.

A           Also, I had this in A,B,C format, because I'm fond of alphabetical lists. But I'm an idiot with little time so I will not be trying to fix this formatting fiasco, even though it might make the whole thing a smidgen betta

Precursers of happiness

There are a few things in this world that I could not live without. These things are not giant expensive valuable things, but rather small vital functional tangible whosits that make my happiness appear, and stay, every day.

My bracelets: Bear with me, I know this is odd. My wrists are sacred. I regard them as other girls might regard their va-jay-jays. (not to say that I don’t have adequate regard for the jay.. just a comparison) They cannot be muddled with or I am pissed. Don’t grab my wrist, it will equate to your broken arm. I dunno when it caught on, but since before I was socially acceptable I was wearing wristlets. Metal, Livestrong, embroidery floss. Whatever will tie into a knot and fit around my wrist usually ends up on my wrist. All of my friends can attest that at one point or another in our relationship they have asked me not to pick up such-n-such off the ground and put it on my wrist. I have small wrists and slightly large hands, I enjoy the feeling of something resting on the base of my hand when I stand, and then sliding back to the small of my arm when I gesticulate. Whenever I acquire something new to adorn my wrists, I always assign a certain amount of sentimental feelings to that thing. Since these items have a small value when they inevitably break and fall off, I am sad. Very sad. Too sad I’d say. My latest example of this small mourning is when my watch fell off my right wrist. [It was an awesome ironman watch that sat sideways so you would read it while running without having to rotate your arm.] Not only did the fucker fall off, it ran out of battery the very same day. So, that left me with some of options, I could superglue the watch band and keep a non-working watch on my wrist, I could drop my days activities and fix the battery myself, or I could just keep my wrist bare in mourning till I could get around to fixing the poor thing. Soooo my right wrist is bare cause I’m more busy than sad. My left wrist however, is still going strong. I have a Tiffany’s clasp bracelet that my biological father gave me for graduation, a livestrong band, a Strike Out ALS band (b/c my G-ma passed from ALS) a leather and cloth thing that was a gift, and metal charm band with soccer balls on every flat chink. I cannot live without these things, because they are part of the part of me that makes me unique. Little things that clink when I walk around, little things that make me smile my smile of weirdness when I see people notice them.

Air conditioning: this kind of goes without saying, there are some people who can make do without this vital part of society, but I think that they just run cold all the time. Don’t get me wrong I would love to fall into that class of people; but seeing as I spent most high school lunches in the little girls room holding my shirt’s wet pits under the hand dryer, that is likely never to happen. I would swear that breathing makes me sweat. I run… HOT, I mean like a furnace, like a space heater, like an oven, like a bike muffler…HOT. Air conditioning is as vital to my happiness as oxygen, and only under very few circumstances will you find me milling about in the heat with anything more than a swimsuit on. If you DO happen across me on a hot day and I am wearing clothes, keep your distance, I bite. Na but for real, the only two times I get un-handle-ably grouchy are when I’m hungry or I’m hot.

My fitness: Actually this is more of an intangible, and will thus be discussed in a later post.

My comics: I’m not a computer junkie by any means, but I do enjoy the occasional webcomic. I HAVE to read these things EVERY day. Sometimes I KEEP myself from reading them for one day so I can have the treat of catching up for two days the next day :D BIG smile. BIG. So, the comics that I follow regularly are. QC, Girls with Slingshots, XKCD, BUNNY, Pics for Sad Children, Cyanide and Happiness, The Doghouse Diaries, STW, and Wolfmorganthaler. I could probably compile a large list of my favorite comics/storylines, but I think I will save that, also, for another post. I’ll keep it simple and say that usually I come back to these gems more than one time in a day to get a laugh. Also, they are the thing that I most widely spread, via email, or twitter. Lolcats comes in at a close second, but these little finaglings of reality are my most prized bookmarks. So much so that I’m hesitant to use any other browser for fear that their little book mark symbols will not be at a clicks notice, as they are in Google Chrome.

COFFEE: If I had to PAY for all the coffee I imbibed, my diet would whittle down to nothing but ramen noodles and coffee, as that would be the only two substances I could then afford. Wafflehouse coffee, stiff coffee, flavored coffee, iced coffee, motor oil coffee, two-day old re-heated coffee. All coffee is good to me. Let me explain to you what coffee does to my psyce.

You know that, “Fuck it, I would normally care…” feeling you get when you’re doing something OBVIOUSLY bad to your body? ….like when you light up a cigarette (I don’t’ smoke) or down your sixth shot of the night, or (heaven forbid) hork down an entire Bloomin Onion from Outback… those things. The feeling that follows is usually, “OOO, that was soo worth it” and the brief period of guilty pleasured happiness sets in as endorphins pulse through your body all the way to your toenails. Unfortunately this feeling of happiness only lasts about that long until the much worse feelings of weakness and disappointment course through your once euphoric veins in response to your obvious failure to keep your personal ‘temple’ clean.

However, folks, coffee does me the great service of plopping me down right in the middle of the “OOO, that was soo worth it” feeling. Not only does it hit the drop zone perfectly, it KEEPS me there. I feel the guilty pleasure of something naughty, but never the repercussions. (well, my dental hygienist would argue otherwise ) But still. MMMMhMMhmm coffee, I need it to SURVIVE.

There are a thousand other little things that make my inside squeal with glee, but some of them are too cliché to talk about (like chasing squirrels and birds no matter who‘s looking) or too disgusting to discuss (such as, what SMELLS I tend to enjoy more than I should)

And with that. I bid you adieu.

Sanity Restored

Originally uploaded by rollabarnessa

Member how I said that I was going to go crazy and lose my mind? Well I was taken on a trip to Charleston, and it turned out to do a lot more good than harm. All is well in rollaworld.

Dear Kroger's Shredded Wheat

Dear Kroger's Shredded Wheat,

I really appreciate your efforts towards being better then Post's Shredded Wheat, howeva, you have utterly failed.

You are the cheaper choice, and I appreciate that in this economy. I also like the look of your box better than I do Post’s. Lastly, you usually do a great job of boosting the frequency of my BMs. But, regrettably, your flaws outweigh your sensibility factor, and I can no longer pretend that there is not a problem.

You are a wee bit smaller, which would be good except that your smallness gives the illusion that I'm taking a smaller bite than I actually am. This leads to some inopportune and frequent choking, and that's just not what I’m looking for at 6:55 AM. Also, you are a smidge on the bland side, even for me. You are utterly tasteless in every regard of the definition. I enjoy, at the very least, the tiniest hint of sweetness, and I’m tired of having to get out the honey and Splenda to tolerate your nothingness.

For all these aforementioned reasons and some that I have reserved for my own personal festering, I delight in telling you that after this box, I am done with you and will happily never give you another thought.

Best of luck with other customers,

-Boobookittyfuck

Blanking Tuesdays

First off, I'd like to commission whoever is in charge of naming days of the week. There are too many that begin with T. I wish badly that there was a day of the week that rhymed with Rant, piss n moan, or bitch. Hell, I’d even settle for alliteration of any of the three at this point. So, then, with no day of the week to poetically and cleverly deem suitable for such brocades; it is henceforth Tuesday s for me. I’d also like to say that I am an expert in nothing and my opinion on anything is just that, an opinion. It is based on nothing more than my own relatively selfish interactions with the term in question.

Can I burn my bra for a minute or two?? What was that? ... Did you just say, “Yes please do, we haven’t had our daily dose of feminism yet.” Well, in that case… I don’t mind if I dooooo.

Am I the only one who feel s like I have to open up the goddamn handbook on relationships every month?? I mean… the way that it is supposed to work is:

1.sig other does something you don’t like

2. you bring it up

3. you have words about the issue with sig other

4.sig other realizes said action led to the WORDS about it.

5. sig other does not DO said action unless they are looking to have WORDS about it

But, the way that it actually works is that significant other forgets sometimes has the ‘relationship’ function in his brain TURNED TO ‘GOLDFISH’ So that he effectively adds another bullet to the list which is:

6. Promptly forget 1 through FUCKING 5.

And, yes, I did say “HIS” above because we all know that unless you’re a special breed of female… you do not forget a fight. Well, perhaps the fight, but not the principle that was created through the fight.

But really, do these things NOT stick in someone’s’ head? Na, na na. Seriously. Let’s write with rationale here. For example, if I had a friend who hated... air conditioning… after enough times of them getting into my car saying…. “Ahem… would you mind turning that off… please?” I would learn to save a step in the scheme of things, and turn it off right before they got into the car. It’s called a memory; I make them when events happen. Then I store them away for later use… I learn from the past, to not create tension in the future. But, it seems that said GOLDFISH has no room for this concept IN HIS HEAD. So, back to the handbook; I have to reopen this sucker about once a goddamn month and point out that it really is best in the long run of a relationship to be unselfish, un-lazy, and above all things to REMEMBER.

Ok, bra is going back on my chest now. Pity, it was a nice bra that now smells like burnt hair.

On to the second topic at hand. I need to tell you a story so that I can tell you the pertinent story. I was sitting at a double light this morning. Thus… in order to get through the intersection, I must pass under two lights. Both of these lights turn green at the same time… it’s just a matter of getting over some railroad tracks. No big deal, lights turn green, everyone goes underneath both of them. WELL NOT THIS MORNING. Pertinent story; I sat through TWO round s of this light, and there were only five cars in front of me!! The car immediately in front of me had decided that the best way to handle the intersection was only to lift their foot off the brake and inch forward. LIKE THERE WASN’T 75 YARDS of NOTHING in front of them. It is one thing to sit through a couple of lights when there are 40 cars in front of you… reaction times and acceleration differences of the people in front of you, but this… this was a whole other ballgame.

Ok… I must admit at this point that I’m not the most patient person when it comes to driving. I’m actually only patient when dealing with myself, but, another time for that. So I’m not patient at all, but I tried the “put yourself in someone else’s shoes” method this morning, and IT DID NOT WORK. I used my grandmother, Eva, because I can’t ever remember her losing her temper at anyone. But I could just hear he little agitated euphemisms, “oh my achin back” or “god bless them, this is silly” or “good gracious.” So, if even an event like this would get your GRANDMA riled up… what do you do?? How should this be handled? (well you could vent in your blog) Clever idea, subconscious, I knew there was a reason that I wanted TUESDAYS to be Rant days. :)

But wait, I’m not finished. What is WITH the mindless babble on TV?? The Kardashians, NYC prep, Dance Your Ass Off.. etc.etc. I thought that those shows were supposed to draw viewers IN… keep them entertained. They have taken the stupidity to such an embarrassing level that even if I’m watching those shows, I have to turn the channel when embarrassing or idiotic portions come up. I just can’t handle it. Their new technique has had quite the opposite effect on me. The only thing I really like to watch on TV now is The Soup, which thankfully has the same opinion on most TV shows as I do. Contrastingly, when I’m watching some program that I find intelligent, like the History Channel, or How things are Made, (which might be on the History Channel), or Nova, or Draining the Oceans, or ANYTHING that is not drooling babble, inevitably, someone walks in and is staggered that I could even sit through such a thing! It is not some superhuman feat that I can hone my attention intelligently for at least half an hour and learn a thing or two from TV. It is astonishingly inhuman that THEY can’t.

And with that I say, each day, learn something new, retain it, and for GODS sake apply it to real life.

that’s it. I’m done.