Ah, ok, what is today? Wednesday December the ninth. Got it. I don’t feel funny today, but I do feel like writing. It’s a shame that those two feelings don’t go hand in hand.
So, here’s the latest in MY life.
I cut down a Christmas tree yesterday, for the first time in my life. It was jaunty and wet and fun. Where was my biological father to be found when that sort of thing would have been the highlight of my friggin YEAR? Peaced out. Might have been drinking.
I digress. As it stands, it definitely was the highlight of my MONTH! I had a great time yesterday, and it was all a part of a bigger more ob⋅se⋅qui⋅ous⋅ly active plan than I had anticipated. He, as in, new guy, planned this Christmastree-nut-in-my-pants-have-a-great-time-fest, all by himself.
Recently I kicked the BF, the one that had the memory of a goldfish, to the curb. For a while, nobody really cared, I milled around for a month with my thumb up my ass wondering if I was going to adorn the back of a holographic deck of Old Maid cards in the year 2020. But then, poof, just like that I got noticed? (end that sentence like a question, because it is one)
Because really I had been seeing this guy every time I went out to have a good time. *wink*That, my friends, was intentionally misleading. Hahaha, I am tricky.
But no, really, for a whole year, I saw him because he brought me every drink I ever ordered. Some smiles, some ah, oks. But nothing that a BARTENDER wouldn’t normally do for a tip.
Cue poof.
Now… we are in like. We’re in some serious like. We are bordering obsequiousity. ( not a word. Leave me alone, it illustrates a great point.) From his region, not mine. This would usually worry me very much. I dislike it when someone likes me more than I like them because I feel, then, that I owe them attention or I owe them some ‘like’ in return. But I really don’t have any real ‘like’ for them so I use my backup supply of fake ‘like’ and that makes me feel guilty about the situation.
Never. Ever. have I had a guy go out of his way like this. I don’t have to use any of my fake ‘like’ on him. I genuinely, really like him. I don’t know what to think, what to say, what to do. It just seems that all the things that used to coincidentally piss me off when penises are in the vicinity, don’t make me as ill anymore.
1. I’m usually very prejudice about any guy girl relationship. I can have all the events up to and including the means and mode of breakup figured out, weighted and statistically analyzed for likelihood, before the appetizers are ordered on the first date.
2. I typically feel like I need to prove myself. I suppose to appeal to their evolutionary subconscious that I would be the best mate and mother of their children should a zombie attack threaten to wipeout normal human beings. (Look at me boys, I can run for hours, I can solve complex efficiency problems under anxiety-ridden, sleep-deprived circumstances, and I can also cook you lasagna out of leftover trashcan Chinese) I’m a total nug. Fo shiz.
3. I also have this superiority complex. There are about a billion tasks that we as humans perform over the course of a lifetime. Things such as driving, fitness, cooking, drinking from the sink, cleaning a toilet, using adjectives correctly, yada, yada, yada. Out of these billion things, I must be better at at least HALF, or the guy gets the boot. Like I have to win. At fuckin tying shoes. I literally must be more efficient and quicker with a tighter, less misshapen bow on my gaddamn tennis shoe, or I am ill. And the guy gets the boot if he’s new or a stern stink eye if he’s a regular.
These are a few of the gems that my dysfunctional twatty mind has defended over the years, but lemme describe how this guy has single handedly broken all the rules… almost without me noticing
He circumvented number one by all of a sudden deciding to glue his sweetheart hat to his head the same week I vowed to live in the moment. Lucky him. I did this purely out of breakup spite. He doesn’t know that he is the official guinea pig of me planning only into the next 24 hours. This preferred method of handling things is working well so far, but if I begin to think further ahead, I get sick to my stomach, and wheezy. ( like I was ever THAT kid in elementary gym class!? Psssht, I wasn't. Which is why it's baffling now that I get queasy on cue of certian thoughts. I'm tougher than that, I assure you.)
He acts nonchalant about the fact that he is about the same size as me. He never tries to pick me up, or act like I’m light as a feather, and he doesn’t try to out lift me. He just kinda watches me, and seems to be thinking. Perhaps it s admiration, perhaps it s irritancy. But I’ll never know. Because when he catches me looking at him, the fun is on again. He doesn’t outright EXPRESS his dire NEEEEEED to feel manly in front of me. Which totally quenches my need to prove myself worthy. I think he doesn’t do that because in some areas, he would lose. I’m a pretty girl and I have a nice toned figure/shape, but I am sorta manly. I’m a manly nug. Uh HUH.
Lastly, about this superiority complex; it’s really the straw on my camel’s back. This is where I become very difficult to deal with. Because I have to be better at EVEN the arguments that are a result of such trifling matters. For example, he feels my boot in his ass or my stern look at him for doing something better than me is unjustified; we argue; I must argue like the best defense lawyer in the history of time. If he’s a good guy, he sticks it out or he dissolves the situation by handing me a glass of wine. (I.E. SEE HERE) But THIS guy, makes it seem like this problem doesn’t exist, like it’s he’s running on 1 Cuil ALL THE TIME. Anytime I get a whiff of a feeling of this 'betterness' he cracks his back six ways to Sunday, the loud pops completely distracting my building fury. ? He uses a word I don't know... I get a pang of attitude... then he's handed me a coffee mug and we're each chewing on our lip rings watching the rain. ?
Do you see how that kind of NONSENSE....doesn't even... like....come together in a complete thought??
Do you see how that kind of NONSENSE....doesn't even... like....come together in a complete thought??
I don’t even notice that the problem was a problem and isn’t anymore, until I sit down here and analyze the sitch. Then I see it. Refer to #1 here. Trying to live in the moment, for my own feelings, and no one else’s, right now.
But let’s break this down just little bit more. What does it mean for all these general rules to be circumvented all at once? Does that mean that I’m losing sight of the things that my evolutionary dating eye has made me remember over the years to avoid heartbreak? Does it mean that I’m doing something that I know I shouldn’t? Or is it going the total other way; that this bartender has potential? The fact that none of the rule breaking is bothering me would seem to vouch for the latter, that this may just be the sweetest thing that ever happened to me. But I don’t know. Because I’ve got the Great Wall of China up between my real honest to goodness, honest Abe, honest to Blog, down and dirty, it puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose feelings... and the feelings I tell/show everyone else. There is a massive, massive difference between what I attempt to convince myself my true feelings are, and my actual true feelings. Ergo, even I don’t know what I think about this situation.
I think, though, that it would be very best just to sit back and watch it all happen from behind a smile.
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